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A few jokes I've collected over time and which will be update when I have some.... time

A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going up
into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder. He
reached a cloud, upon which sat a rather plump and very ugly woman.
"Screw me or climb the ladder to success" she said.
No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next
cloud.
On this cloud was a slightly thinner lady, who was appreciably
easier on the eye.
"Screw me hard or climb the ladder to success" she said.
"Well", thought the man, "might as well carry on."
On the next cloud was an even more shapely woman who, this time, was
quite attractive.
"Screw me now or climb the ladder to success" she exclaimed.
As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to
himself that this was getting better the further he went.
On the next cloud was an absolute "drop dead" beauty. Slim,
attractive, busty, the works.
"Have wild gorilla sex with me or climb the ladder to success," she
flirted.
Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man,
he decided to climb again.
When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400 pound grotesque man
with armpit hair showing and flies buzzing around his head.
"Who are you?" the man questioned.
"Hello" grunted the ugly fat man, "my name is Cess!"

An old lady comes to a bank, puts a brown paperbag on the counter and says to the clerk:"I would like to open a new bank-account. there are 3 million dollars in this bag. but there is one thing I want to get from you: please call the bank-director; I want him personally to handle my request".
The clerk thinks for a while and comes to the conclusion, that for this amount of money he should fulfill her wish. He calls the bank director on the phone and tells him about the lady.
The director decides to let her come to his office - after all: 3 million dollars!
The lady goes upstairs und repeats her request: "I have 3 million dollars in this bag and i would like to open a new account"
The director says:"no problem. But may I ask you, just out of pure personal interest - where did you get that much money from ?"
The lady says: "well, from time to time I tend to bet with people."
The director: "very interesting. I wonder what kind of betting this could be?"
The lady: "I will give you an example: I bet with you 10000 dollars, that by tomorrow morning, 10 o'clock, your balls will be square!"
The director thinks: "the poor woman must be crazy... but anyway, I think I should take this opportunity since there is no risk for me!" - and so, he agrees.
The lady promises to come back the next day and leaves.
During the night, the director wakes up several times. He looks under the blanket - everything still allright, nothing square at all!
The next morning, sharp at 10 o'clock the old lady stands in his office again. She brings the brown paper-bag with her and she is accompanied by a man. She explains, that for bets like these, she always brings her own lawyer with her.
Then she says:"tell me: what shape have your balls now?"
The director says:" I can assure you, they are still round as ever. I'm sorry, but I think you lost your bet".
The lady smiles, gives him 10000 Dollars and says:"well, for this amount of money I think I should have the right to get prove of the fact that your balls are still round. Would you mind showing me the objects in question?"
The director agrees, lowers his trousers, bends over and the lady takes his balls in her hand and agrees, that they are still round.
At this moment, the lawyer starts to cry like a child.
The director is quite puzzled. Then the lady explains: "I have to tell you, that this guy is in fact not my lawyer, but I made a bet with him. I bet 75000 Dollars that by today, 10 o'clock I would be standing in the bank directors office, halding his balls in my hands..."

Top 20 reasons why Chocolate is better than Sex
1.You can GET chocolate.
2."If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.
3.Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
4.You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
5.You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
6.You can have chocolate in front of your mother.
7.If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.
8.Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called
nasty names.
9.The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
10.You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working
hours without upsetting your work mates.
11.You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face
slapped.
12.You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
13.With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
14.Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
15.You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
16.Good chocolate is easy to find.
17.You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
18.You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
19.When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.
20.With chocolate size doesn't matter; it's always good.

3 nuns died in a car crash. because of their life dedicated to the poor,
god decided they could go back to earth for 3 weeks and they could also
select an identity for those weeks.
First nun wanted to be the pope. Off she went, did lots of good things.
Second nun wanted to be mother theresa. Off she went and for three weeks
m.t. was back and did lots of good things.
The third nun wanted to go back as Sahara Pipeline. "What? Who?" asked
God. Its very easy, didn't you read the papers? Here is says "Sahara
pipline gets laid in three weeks by 250 men"

Here are the rules for Bedroom golf,
1.Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one
club and two balls.
2.Play on course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3.Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and
keep the balls out.
4.For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course
owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
5.Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid
damage to the hole.
6.Object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until
the owner is satisfied play is complete. Failure to do so may result in
being denied permission to play again.
7.It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately
upon arrival. Experienced players will normally take time to admire the
entire course, paying special attention to well formed mounds and
bunkers.
8.Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played
or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset
owners have been known to damage a players equipment for this reason.
9.Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear, just in case.
10.Players should not assume that the course is in shape to play at
all times. Players may be embarrassed if they find the course
temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in
this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play
when this is the case.
11.Players should assume their match has been properly scheduled
particularly when playing a new course for the 1st time. Previous
players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else is
playing what they considered a private course.
12.The owner of the course is responsible for the pruning of any
bushes, which may reduce the visibility of the hole.
13.Players are strongly advised to get the owners permission before
attempting to play the backside.
14.Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to
proceed at a quicker pace at the owners request.
15.It is considered an outstanding performance, time permitting, to
play the same hole several times in one match.

A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptional-
ly gorgeous & sexy young woman entered.She was so striking that the man could
not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly-attentive
stare & walked directly toward him. Before he could offer his apologies for
being so rude, the young woman said to him: "I'll do anything, absolutelyany-
thing, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition."
Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was. The young woman replied:
"You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." The man
considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket &
slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's
hand. He looked deeply into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully he said: "Paint my
house."

Two guys are out hiking. All of a sudden, a bear starts chasing them. They
climb a tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them. The first
guy gets his sneakers out of his knapsack and starts putting them on. These-
cond guy says: "What are you doing?" He says: "I figure when the bear getsclo-
se to us, we'll jump down and make a run for it." The second guy says: "Are
you crazy? You can't outrun a bear!" The first guy says: "I know....I'm gonna
outrun you!"

A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of themir- ror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks.
One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small. Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds" Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toiletpaper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks. "They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.
The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts everyday wi ll make my breasts grow over the years?" she asks. The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked for your ass, didn't it?"

Four gents go out to play golf one sunny morning. One guy gets
detained in the clubhouse, so the other three head for the first tee,
and begin talking about their children. "My son, " says one, " has
made quite a name for himself in the building industry. He began
as a carpenter, but now owns his own construction and design company.
He is so successful, in fact, in the last year he was able to give
a good friend a brand new home as a gift."
The second man, not to be outdone, declares, "My son began his
career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. He is
so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two
brand new cars as a gift."
The third man chimes in. "My son worked his way up in a stock
brokerage firm, and in the last few weeks he gave a good friend a
large stock portfolio as a gift."
The fourth man finally arrives at the first tee, and the first
man tells him they have been discussing their progeny, and asks
what line of work his son is in.
"To tell you the truth, I am not very pleased with how my son
has turned out," he replies. "For fifteen years, he has been a
hairdresser, and I have just recently discovered that he is a
homosexual. But, on the bright side, he must be very good at
what he does, because his last three boyfriends have given him
a brand new house, two cars and a big pile of stock certificates."

A girl was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know. One
day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes and the girl was
among them. The police had all the prostitutes lined up when the girl's
grandma came by and saw her granddaughter.
Grandma asked, "What are you lining up for?"
Not willing to let her know the truth, the girl told her grandmother
that some people were passing out free oranges and she was lining up for
some. Grandma wanted oranges too, so she went to the back of the line.
A policeman was going down the line asking for information from the
prostitutes. When he got to grandma, he was bewildered and asked, "You
are so old, how do you do it?"
Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy. I just take my dentures out and suck
them dry."

A man is in a hotel lobby and wants to ask the clerk a question. As he
turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside
him and his elbow pokes her in the breast. They are both quite
startled.
The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your
breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease,
combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your
husband will surely die."
Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make
sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal.
For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.
Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day.
Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress
worse.
And most importantly. make love with your husband several times a week
and satisfy his every whim."
If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your
husband will regain his health completely.
On the way home, the husband asked his wife.
"What did the doctor say?"
"You're going to die," she replied...

An elderly French man was slowly walking down the countryside, admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple, naked, making love in a field. Getting over his initial shock he said to himself, "Ah ze young love ... ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers. c'est magnifique!!", and continued to watch remembering good times. Suddenly he drew in a gasp and said, "Mais ... Sacre bleu!! Ze woman - she is dead!!", and he hurried along as fast as he could to the town to tell Albert, the police chief. He came, out of breath, to the police station and shouted, "Albert ... Albert zere is zis man zis woman ... naked in farmer Gaston's field making love". The police chief smiled and said; "Come come Henri you are not so old remember ze young love.ze spring time ze air ze flowers Ah, L'amour! Zis is okay." "Mais non! You do not understand ze woman she is dead!!" Hearing this Albert leapt out from his seat and rushed out of the station, and the police car being serviced, he ran down to the field, confirmed Henri's story, and ran all the way back non-stop to call the doctor: "Pierre, Pierre, ... this is Albert I was in Gaston's field zere is a young couple naked 'aving sex " To which Pierre replied,"Albert, I am a man of science. you must remember, it is spring ze air ze flowers Ah, L'amour! Zis is very natural" Albert, still out of breath grasped in reply, "NON, you do not understand ze woman, she is dead! "Hearing this Pierre shouted, "Mon dieu!", grabbed is black medicine bag, stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools and jumped in the car and drove like a madman down to Gaston's field. Upon getting there he gave the couple a full medical exam and drove back to Henri and Albert, who were waiting at the station. He got there, went inside, and smiled patiently at the two Frenchmen and said, "Ah, mes amis, do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead, she is English."

Little 10 year old Johnny goes for a long
week-end with his uncle, a wealthy Hampshire
farm owner. One evening, as Uncle Fred and
his wife are entertaining guests with
cocktails, they are interrupted by an
out-of-breath Johnny who shouts out, "Uncle
Fred! Come quick! The bull is fucking the
cow!"
Uncle Fred, highly embarrassed, takes young
Johnny aside, and explains that a certain
amount of decorum is required. "You should
have said, 'the bull is surprising the cow' -
not some filth picked up in the playground,"
he says.
A few days later, Johnny comes in again as
his aunt and uncle are entertaining. "Uncle
Fred! The bull is surprising the cows!" The
adults share a knowing grin.
Uncle Fred says, "Thank you Johnny, but
surely you meant to say "the cow, not cows".
A bull cannot 'surprise' more than one cow at
a time you know."
"Oh yes he can!" replies his obstinate
nephew, "he's fucking the horse!"

One day, this man, Tony, died. When he was sent to be judged,
he was told that he had committed a sin, and that he could not
go to heaven rightaway. He asked what he did and God told him
that he cheated on his income taxes, and that the only way he could
get into heaven would be to sleep with a 500 pound, stupid,
butt-ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. Tony decided
that this was a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven.
So off he went with this enormous woman, pretending to be happy.
As he was walking along, he saw his friend Carlos up ahead.
Carlos was with an even bigger, uglier woman than he was with.
When he approached Carlos he asked him what was going on, and
Carlos replied "I cheated on my income taxes and scammed
the government out of a lot of money...even more then you did."
They both shook their heads in understanding and figured that
as long as they have to be with these women, they might as well
hang out together to help pass the time.
Now Tony, Carlos, and their two beastly women were walking
along, minding their own business when Tony and Carlos could
have sworn that they saw their friend Jon up ahead, only this
man was with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous supermodel/centerfold.
Stunned, Tony and Carlos approached the man and in fact it was their
friend Jon. They asked him how is he with this unbelievable goddess,
while they were stuck with these god-awful women.
Jon replied "I have no idea, and I'm definately not complaining.
This has been absolutely the best time of my life (and I'm dead,)
and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope for to
look forward to. There is only one thing that I can't seem to
understand. After everytime we have sex, she rolls over and
murmur's to herself, "Damn income taxes"

Upgrade Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0
Last year a friend of mine upgraded GirlFriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog, leaving very little system resource for other
applications. He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also is spawning Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No
mention of this particular phenomenon was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed him that
this is to be expected due to the nature of the application. Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always lauched at system initialisation
where it can monitor all other system activity.
He's finding that some applications such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all,
crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before). At installation, Wife 1.0 provides no option as to the
installation of undesired Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release. Also, system performance seems to diminish with
each passing day.
Some features he'd like to see in the upcoming wife 2.0.:
A "Don't remind me again" button
Minimize button
An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 to be installed with the option to uninstall at anytime without the loss of cache and other system resources.
I myself decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 2.0 on top of Girlfriend 1.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long standing bug which I should have been aware of. Apparently the versions of Girlfriend have conficts over shared use of the I/O port.
You'd think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now. To make matters worse, the uninstall program for Girlfriend 1.0 doesn't work very well, leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system.
Another thing that sucks -- all versions of Girlfriend continually popup little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0.
******** BUG WARNING ********
Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.
******** BUG WORK-AROUNDS ********
To avoid the above bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and never run any file transfer applications such as Laplink 6.0.
Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.0 via a UseNet provider under an anonymous name.
Jim's comment on above bug
There are in fact two versions of this bug, and it seems to be a matter of luck which one you get afflicted with. The version described is the milder of the two. With the worse version, before uninstalling itself Wife 1.0 uses the Divorce protocol to install Lawyer 1.0 (and sometimes also Lawyer 1.1, Lawyer 1.2 and Lawyer 1.3 as well).
Lawyer (any version) will run for an indeterminate but lengthy period constantly consuming all resources. When it eventually ends it automatically installs Alimony 26.5, which removes MSMoney and any other financial application as soon as you install it. The core of Lawyer 1.0 remains as a TSR during this time, crashing the system as soon as any attempt is made to stop Alimony 26.5 or to interfere with its operation.
This sometimes leads to fatal breakdown of the entire system.

A Recent Letter Found In A Personal Problems Advice Column
From Gavin of Wellington, New Zealand
I am a sailor in the New Zealand Navy. My parents live in the suburb of
Seatown and one of my sisters, who lives in Palmerston North, is married
to an Australian. My Father and Mother have recently been arrested for
growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my two
sisters, who are prostitutes in Auckland.
I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life
sentence in Mt. Eden Prison, Auckland, for the rape & murder of
a teenage boy in 1994, the other currently being held in the Wellington
remand centre on charges of incest with his three children. I have
recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in
Christchurch and indeed is still a part time "working girl" in a
Brothel, however, her time there is limited as she has recently been
infected with an STD. We intend to marry as soon as possible and are
currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel with
my fiancee utilizing her knowledge of the industry working as
the manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining
our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves at
least it would get them off the streets and hopefully the heroin.
My problem is this: I love my fiancee and look forward to bringing her
into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her.
Should I tell her about my brother-in-law being an Australian?

Scientists have just revealed that beer contains small traces of
female hormones...
To test their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and
observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively and
loudly without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive.
No further testing was found to be necessary.

The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration
for the planned Windows 2000:
1) Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
2) Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
3) Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
4) Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
5) Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
6) Close your eyes and press escape three times.
7) Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
8) This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another
game?
9) Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"
10) This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world.
Please log off."
11) To "shut down" your system, type "WIN."
12) BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
13) COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.
14) CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)
15) File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
16) Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
17) Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
18) Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
19) WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
20) User Error: Replace user.
21) Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"
22) Welcome to Microsoft's World - Your Mortgage is Past Due...
23) If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you
and all your future creations. Doesn't it feel nice to have
security?
24) Required Government Warning: After we got caught in cahoots
with the hardware manufacturers for trying to needlessly fill
your hard drives, the following message is now required as you
save your files in Word.
"Word has detected that you don't wish to save your text file
as a lumpy and space wasting .doc format filled with potential
viruses. Would you like to save your old outdated ascii file
as a Word file anyway?"
25) Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles
have been deleted. The police are on the way.
Enjoy the silence....

Windows 98 system messages – glaswegian version
With apologies to anyone who can't understand Glaswegian.
A Very Important Announcement...
It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Glasgow
edition of Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside
Glasgow.If you have one of the Glasgow editions you may need some
Help understanding the commands. The Glasgow edition may be recognised by
looking at the opening screen. It reads WINDAES 98 with a background
picture of a Buckfast bottle superimposed on a Clydebank flag. It is
shipped with a Buckfast screensaver. Also note:
The Recycle Bin is labelled Oot tae fuck
Dialup Networking is called Ma Mates
Control Panel is known as How Tae Fuck Aboot Wi The Settins
Hard Drive is referred to as Big Disk
Floppies are known as Them Wee Plastic Bastards
Other features:
OK = its aww-right
cancel = fuck off
yes = aye
no = nay fuckin' chance
find = get it yer fuckin' sel'
go to = orr therr
help = ah cannae dae it
stop = gie's fuckin peace
start = fuckin' move
settings = settins
programs = stuff at does stuff
personal folder = ma shit
Also note that Windaes 98 does not recognise capital letters or
punctuation marks.
Some programs that are exclusive to WINDAES 98:
tiperiter = a word processor
cullerin book = a graphics program
addin mershene = calculator
scratch paper = notepad (usually unused)
sounds = CD player
porn = Microsoft Internet Explorer
pikchers = a graphics viewer
dole money = M/S accounting software
Sellik = a spreadsheet of Celtic F.C.'s recent scores
Bevvy = local off-licences by area code and price of Tennent's Super
tax records = usually an empty file
We regret any inconvenience it may have cause if you received a copy
of the Glasgow edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.

A husband and a wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion
is heating up. But then the wife stops and says: "I don't feel
like it, I just want you to hold me." The husband says, "WHAT?"
The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional
needs as a Woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to
happen, and he might as well deal with it. So the next day the
husband takes his wife shopping at Saks Fifth Avenue. He walks
around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can't
decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. Then they
go and get matching shoes worth $200.00 per pair. Then they go to
the Jewelry Department where she gets a set of diamond earrings.
The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out,
but she does not care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. The
husband says, "You don't even play tennis, but if you like it,
then get it." The wife is extremely excited, jumping up and down
she cannot believe what is going on. The wife says "I have
everything I want, and am ready to go. Lets go to the cash register."
The husband says, "No, no, no, "puppy-toes," we're not going to
buy all this stuff." The wife's face goes blank. "I just want you
to HOLD this stuff for a while." Her face gets really mad and she
is about to explode and the husband says "You must not be in tune
with my financial needs as a Man....."

Bill Clinton and Al Gore go into a local diner for lunch.
As they read the menu the waitress comes over and asks
Clinton, "You ready to order?"
Clinton replies, "Yes, I'd like a quickie."
"A quickie?!" the waitress replies. "Sir, given the current
situation of your personal life I don't think that is a good
idea.
I'll come back when you are ready to order from the menu."
She walks away.
Gore leans over to Clinton and says, "It's pronounced Quiche.

A 75 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and
bring me back a sample tomorrow. The next day the 75 year old man
reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as
clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, "What
happened, didn't I ask you to bring me back a sperm sample?"
The man went on to explain, "Well doc, it's like this - first I tried
with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand,
but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with
her right hand, but nothing. Then she tried her left hand, still
nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,
then with the teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up the
lady next door and she tried with both hands and her mouth too,
but nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't
get the damned jar open."

Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their professions.
The one guy says, "I'm a YUPPIE...ya know..Young, Urban, Professional."
The second guy says "I'm a DINK.. ya know, Double Income No Kids."
They asked the woman, "What are you?"
She replied..."I'm a WIFE...ya know, Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."

Subject: ATTENTION ALL DRIVERS
Please note that with the arrival of the new 'Drive-Through' cash point
machine, users will be able to withdraw cash without having to leave the
comfort of their vehicle.
To enable customers to utilise this facility, the following guidelines have
been drawn up. Kindly adopt the procedure applicable to your own personal
circumstances:
MALE PROCEDURE
* Drive up to cash machine
* Wind down window
* Insert card and enter PIN
* Enter amount of cash to withdraw
* Retrieve card, cash and receipt
* Wind up window
* Drive off
FEMALE PROCEDURE
* Drive up to cash machine
* Reverse back 1 metre to align window to machine
* Stall engine
* Wind down window
* Enter handbag and remove make-up bag and locate card
* Check make-up in rear view mirror
* Attempt to insert card into machine
* Open door to allow easier access to machine due to exceptional
distance from car
* Insert card
* Re-enter handbag to find cigarette packet with PIN number written on it
* Insert PIN, press cancel and re-enter correctly
* Enter amount of cash to withdraw
* Check make-up and hair in rear view mirror
* Retrieve cash and receipt
* Locate purse and place cash inside
* Locate cheque book to file receipt
* Check make up again
* Drive forward for 2 metres
* Reverse back to machine
* Retrieve card
* Locate card holder in purse and enter card into slot
* Recheck make-up
* Re-start engine and pull off
* Drive for 3 miles
* Release hand-brake

TRUE LOVE
Her husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months,
yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he
came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he
whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me
all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by
my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health
started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
"What dear?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with
warmth.
"I think you bring me bad luck.

A man walks into a T-shirt store and on the walls there where three
T-shirts on display for sale.
The first row had the picture of Richard Nixon with a thin white
mustache and below the picture it was titled: GOT MILK
The second row of shirts were the picture of Ronald Reagan with the
white mustache and it was titled: FORGOT MILK
And the third was of Monica Lewinsky with a white mustache and under her
it was titled: NOT MILK

Subject: Custers Last Stand
An eccentric old billionaire wanted a mural painted
on his library wall, so he called in an artist of renown.
Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, "I am a
history buff, and have studied Gen. Custer
for decades. I want painted a lifelike interpretation
of the last thoughts in Custer's mind before he died
at Little Big Horn, fighting the Indians. Can you do it?"
The artist enthusiastically replied, "Yes, sir!", mindful of the huge
commission the billionaire had offered.
"I am going out of town on business for a week," said the billionaire,
"And when I return I expect to see this masterpiece completed."
Upon his return, the billionaire rushed straight to the
library to examine the finished work. Even from the next room he was dazzled by the brilliant
color and light emanating from the gigantic allegorical artwork. But
to his great shock he saw depicted a large cow with a halo.
And much worse, surrounding the cow were hundreds of Indians in
various stages of sex in every imaginable position.
Furious, he called the artist in.
"What the HELL is this, you lunatic?!?" screamed the
billionaire.
"Why that's exactly what you asked for," said
the artist proudly.
"No! I did not ask for a mural of perverted filth, you mongrel!
I asked for a mural interpreting Custer's last thoughts!"
"Yes, and there you have it!" said the artist, "I call it:
'Holy Cow! Look at All Those Fucking Indians!'"

There was a virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she
told her grandmother about it. Her grandmother says, "Sit here and let me
tell you about those young boys. "He is going to try to kiss you; you are
going to like that, but don't let him do that." She continued, "He is going
to try to feel your breast; you are going to like that, but don't let him do
that. He is going to try to put his hand between your legs; you are going to
like that, but don't let him do that. Then the grandmother said, "But, most
importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with
you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace
the family." With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her
date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it. The next day she
told her grandmother that her date went just as the old lady said. She
said, "Grandmother, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I
turned him over, got on top of him and disgraced his family."

Viz Top Tips To Follow:
* Make your girlfriend cry when you're having sex by phoning her up and
telling her.
* Dyslexics. Try deliberately spelling words wrongly. This way at least you
have a chance of spelling them correctly.
* Bearded men can obtain the appearance of an
upper class Arctic explorer by simply applying Tippex to their beards,
painting their noses blue, and cutting off a couple of toes. It never fails
to impress the girls.
* Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the
chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the fucking thing in
the first place, you fat bastards.
* If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a
jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost
instantly removed.
* Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.
* Housewives: When nipping out to the shops,
remember to carry a stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep
the broken glass to the side of the road every time you have a minor
accident.
* Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at
people as they walk up the aisle.
* Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following
morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble
full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
* Make bathtimes as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by
pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.
* Increase blind people's electricity bills by switching all their lights
on when their guide dog isn't looking.
* Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home
by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then
urinating into it, before jumping in.
* Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie in a
sand pit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over the
fence.
* Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip
a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
X-Files fans.
* Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of
vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning,
having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.
* Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and
grazes with thin strips of bacon.
* Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply
changing your name to match your existing plate. - Mr. KVL 741Y,
* Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to
the object you wish to view.
* Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully
refreshed and on time.
* Pass yourself off as Welsh by putting coal dust behind your fingernails
and talking gibberish all the time, stopping occasionally to sing loudly,
or set fire to someone else's house [shome mishtake, shurely - Ed]
* Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the
fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
* Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction
of oncoming traffic.
- D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead
* When crossing a one-way street always look in BOTH directions in case a
large blue furniture removal lorry is reversing the wrong way up the road.
- D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead General Infirmary
* Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
Anorexics:
* When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.
* A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat
hanger in an emergency.
Hijackers:
* Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or
death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination
in the first place.
* Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over any
that you catch in the act.
* An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an
inexpensive vibrator.
- Sister S., Berwick
Olympic athletes: * Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids
by running a bit slower.
- B. Johnson, Canada
Sweetcorn fans:
* Save money on loo paper by simply pouring the stuff straight down the
pan.
* Pretend you're a giant panda by giving yourself two black eyes, eating
only bamboo shoots and refusing to have sex with the missus.
* Manchester United fans:
Save money on expensive new kits by simply strapping a large fake penis to
your forehead. It is now clear to all, as to your allegiance.
* Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply
pissing in the sink.
Weedy fellas:
* Develop a right forearm like Arnold Schwarzeneggar by buying one of
those Cindy Crawford workout videos.
Smokers:
* Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the
butt of your last one.
Vegetarians coming to dinner?
* Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always
going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like
the real thing', they won't know any difference. Point out that since you'd
no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them
about yours, and ask for a nice steak.
Drivers:
* Pressing the headlight switch for a second time dips the buggers.
HGV drivers
* When climbing a long hill at 20 mph, the lane to drive in is the LEFT
fucking one.

A Man Utd fan dies on match day and goes to heaven in his Man Utd
shirt.
He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St. Peter in a Chelsea
FC scarf.
"Hello mate" says St. Peter, "I'm sorry, no Man Utd fans in heaven."
"What ?" exclaims the man, astonished.
"You heard, no Man Utd fans."
"But, but, but, I've been a good man", replies the Man Utd supporter.
"Oh really", says St. Peter. "What have you done, then ?"
"Well" said the guy, "Three weeks before I died, I gave 10 pounds
to the starving children in Africa"
"Oh" says St.Peter. "anything else?"
"Well, 2 weeks before I died I also gave 10 pounds to the homeless."
"Hmmm. Anything else?"
"Yeah. A week before I died I gave 10 pounds to the Albanian orphans."
"Okay", said St. Peter, "You wait here a minute while I have a
word with the governor."
Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns. He looks the bloke in
the eye and says, "I've had a word with God and he agrees with me. Here's
your thirty quid back, now fuck off."

While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends late one night,
the drunk led the way to his bedroom where pride of place was given to
a large brass gong.
"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.
"Why, that's the speaking clock" the man replied.
"How does it work?"
"I'll show you", the man said, giving it an ear-shattering blow
with an unpadded striker.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "For
fuck'sake, you wanker, it's 2 o'clock in the fucking morning!!"

A girl always wanted an expensive car - a status symbol to drive
around and be seen in. She scrimped and saved, finally going to the
dealer to plop down several years income for a brand new state-of-the-art,
computer enhanced, dogs bollocks, dream mobile.
After settling with the dealer, she drives off in her new car.
Later, deciding she wants some music, she searches for the radio.
The dashboard looks like a control panel on a 747. She fiddles
with this button, that gizmo... jiggles these and those, but finally gives
up, having failed to find the radio. Furious, she races back to the
dealership and screams at the salesman, telling him they forgot to install
the radio.
The salesman assures her it's right there in front of her, hooked
into the onboard computer. All she has to do is tell it what she wants. He
demonstrates: "Classical", he says.*click* The car fills with the
sounds of Paganini. "Blues", he says, and *click* a B.B. King classic
plays. The girl drives off amazed. "Country", she says, and *click* a Garth
Brooks tune comes on. "Punk." *click* The Pistols singing God Save the
Queen.
She's so captivated by this new toy that she isn't paying much attention
to the road. Another driver pulls out from a side street and cuts her off.
"CUNT!!!" she screams.
*click*
"Good morning, everyone. This is Chris Evans, and you're listening
to Virgin Radio".

Two queers, are walking through London Zoo one day when they come
across the "Rwandan Silverback Gorilla" cage. Sitting upright just inside
the bars is an eight foot muscle bound Silverback Gorilla and Colin,
being as gay as you like, can't help but notice its massive, thick penis
hanging there.
"OOOoooh....Look at the donger on him Roger!" Squeals Colin excitedly
"I've never had one that size in my hand before!" Unable to contain
himself, he reaches through the bars and strokes the apple-sized bell-end
of the ape. Roger tries to pull his boyfriend away but it's too
late.......the gorilla's shovel like hands clasp Colin's wrist and yanks
him through the bars, into the cage. Roger screams in a gay fashion as
Colin is dragged into the gorilla's bamboo hut.
Whilst in there, Colin is subjected to a very very very rough bout
of anal sex with the Silverback. Roger covers his ears to block Colin's
screams and runs to get help. It takes three and a half hours for the Zoo
Staff to lure the ape out and fire a tranquilizer dart at its arse. They
call an ambulance and Colin is rushed to hospital for major ringpiece
surgery.
A few days later Roger decides to visit his gay pal Colin in Hospital as
he hears that he's regained consciousness. Colin is in his bed, crying
his eyes out when Roger walks in.
"How are you feeling darling?" asks Roger quietly.
"Awful!" whimpers Colin "That fucking gorilla shagged my arse rotten!"
"Does it hurt?" asked Roger
"HURT?" replies Colin, tears rolling down his cheeks
"HURT?.......HE
HASN'T CALLED, HE HASN'T WRITTEN....OF COURSE IT BLOODY HURTS!"

Prenuptial Agreement
Please sign, I, THE UNDERSIGNED, AGREE THAT...
1. In the unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after
you've drunkenly rolled on top of me and pumped away for five minutes,
wheezing like an old man with emphysema, I shall politely fake one. And
it'll be a really good act too, with me saying stuff like "So THIS is screwing!"
and howling like a cat that's being repeatedly jabbed with a compass.
2. I fully understand that a woman's main role in any
relationship is to take the blame. So when you stub your toe in the bathroom or
your football team lose, I agree that - by some complex scientific
equation incomprehensible to woman - it will be my fault. Even if I wasn't
there.
3. Whenever my friends and I get together for a girlie
chat, I will tell them that you are better hung than a large-balled Himalayan
yak.
4. And I will also mention this to YOUR friends. A lot.
5. After sex (which I will NEVER refer to as "making
love"), I will not expect you to cuddle me for hours till your arm goes dead. Nor
will I let my hair annoyingly get in your face.
6. I will never, ever give your penis a "cute" nickname.
7. In bed, I will be as keen as mustard to try any novel
sexual position you fancy. Especially ones where I do all the work and
you just lie there, grinning.
8. I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female
friends and inform you if any of them have the slightest bisexual tendencies.
Then I'll invite them around for dinner. And hide their car keys so
they have to stay.
9. After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your
friends or colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever met. Or may one day meet.
And if men attempt to chat me up, I will solemnly inform them that you
Have "ruined me for other men".
10. I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computer
games, and remote control devices are beyond the comprehension of women. I
will only make a fool of myself if I attempt to operate them, so you're in
charge of the lot. Except for the iron and the washing machine, of course.
Signed ____________________________________
Date ____________________

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub
somewhere in Oxford. She gestures alluringly to the barman who
comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he
should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently
caress his beard which is full and bushy. "Are you the manager?" she asks,
softly stroking his face with both hands." "Actually, no" he replies.
"Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running her
hands up beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't" breathes
the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes there
is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a
couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell
him" she says "that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies
room."

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding
a gun.
He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank
vault.
She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!"
He replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the
Sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink
it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the
nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the
nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off
his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a
Stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. "He can
play any musical instrument in the world."
Everyone in the bar laughs at the man, calling him an idiot. So he says that he
Will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play.
A guy walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus.
Immediately the octopus picks up the guitar and starts playing better than
Jimi Hendrix. The guitar man pays up his $50.
Another guy walks up with a trumpet. This time the octopus plays the trumpet
better than Miles Davis. This guy pays up his $50.
Then a Scotsman walks up with some bagpipes. He sits them down and the
octopus fumbles with it for a minute and then sits down with a confused look.
"Ha!" the Scot says. "Can ye nae plae it?" The octopus looks up at him and
says,
"Play it? I'm going to f**k it as soon as I figure out
how to get its pyjamas off
Subject:
One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very
attracted to him and during her questions about his
lifeshe asked him how he managed for sex.
"What's that?" he asked. She explained to him what
sex was and he said, "Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of
a tree."
Horrified, she said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong. I'll show
You how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, laid down on the
ground and spread her legs wide. Here," she said, "You must put
it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and
then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane
rolled around in agony.
Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you
Do that for?"
"Checking for bees," said Tarzan.

Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask your Mom.
Q: What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom?
A: Say, "Nice dick."
Q: How do you know you're leading a sad life?
A: When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends."
Q: What do you get when you cross Billy Ray Cyrus and a yeast infection?
A: An itchy, twitchy twat.
Q: Are birth control pills deductible?
A: Only if they don't work.
Q: What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
A: If we don't get some support soon, people are going to think we're
nuts.
Q: Why don't bunnies make noise when they make love?
A: Because they have cotton balls.
Q: What do you get when you cross an Owl and a Rooster?
A: A cock that stays up all night.
Q: Mom's have Mother's Day, Father's have Father's Day. What do single
guys have?
A: Palm Sunday
Q: Why is being in the military like a blow job?
A: The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
Q: What do you call a ninety-year-old man who can still masturbate?
A: Miracle Whip.
Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A: A Bingo machine.
Q: What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
A: Hold on to your nuts, this is going to be a hell of a blow job!

Roger was buying his cousin's used motorcycle. He said, "My Gosh, Tim, it's
so shiny! It's like new! What's your secret?"
His cousin says, "Well, any time it's about to rain, I coat the chrome with
Vaseline so it won't tarnish. In fact, since you're buying the bike, here's
what's left of the tube I've been using."
Roger is so fired up about his new motorcycle he can barely contain himself.
He and his new girlfriend are going over to her parents house for dinner for
the first time, and he suggests they take the motorcycle. She happily
agrees.
When he gets to her house to pick her up later that evening, she mentions
something unusual to him as she climbs on back. "Listen, I have to tell you
something. My family is a little strange. You can't talk during dinner. If
you talk during dinner, you have to do the dishes, and take my word for
it...you don't want to have to do the dishes!"
They arrive at her parents house, and as they walk in, not only in the
kitchen, but in the dining room, the living room, the stairs, the back
porch,
everywhere, there are piles and piles of dirty, nasty dishes. They haven't
done the dishes in months!
They sit down to eat, and the whole meal, nobody talks. Nobody utters one
solitary word. It's the end of the meal, and Roger is getting a little
horny.
He figures nobody is going to say anything, so he grabs his girlfriend and
bangs her right there on the dining room dinner table. Nobody says a thing!!
He's still a little horny, and her mother is kinda cute, so he figures "what
the hell," grabs the mother, throws her on the table, and proceeds to bang
her as well. Nobody says a word!!
He's just about done with her, when he looks out the window and sees it's
starting to rain on his motorcycle. He hops up, reaches into his pocket, and
brings out the tube of Vaseline. But befor he can take a step towards the
door, her father jumps up and says, "All right, all right, I'll do the damn
dishes!!!"

The 5 questions most feared by men are:
1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to
explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells
the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed
below, along with possible responses.
Question # 1: What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive,
dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring,
intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you." This
response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most
likely is one of the following:
a. Football.
b. Golf.
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who
once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be
talking to you|"
Question # 2: Do you love me?
The proper response is: "YES|" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is
in order, "Yes, dear."
Inappropriate responses include:
a. Oh Yeah, shit-loads.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?
Question # 3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not|" Among the incorrect
answers are:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Sorry what did you say ? I was just thinking about how I would spend
the insurance money if you died.
Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not|"
Incorrect responses include:
a. Yes, but you have a better personality
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
d. Define pretty
e. Sorry what did you say ? I was just thinking about how I would spend
the insurance money if you died.
Question # 5: What would you do if I died?
A definite no-win question.(The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Lotus
and a Boat").
No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of
follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:
WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not|
WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
MAN: (makes audible groan)
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures
Of her?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed.
WOMAN: - - - silence - - -
MAN: shit.

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the
"in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit
more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been
heard or reported:
1. From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "There may be 50
ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this
airplane..."
2. Pilot -- "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now,
so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free
to move about as you wish, but please
stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside,
and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
3. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express.
We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we
enjoyed taking you for a ride."
4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington
National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big
fella. WHOA!"
5. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in
Memphis, a flight
attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care
when opening the overhead compartments because, after a
landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
6. From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard
Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert
the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every
other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you
probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event
of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend
from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over
your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your
mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two
small children, decide now which one you love more.
7. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken
clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive.
Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money, more
than Southwest Airlines."
8. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the
event of an emergency water landing, please take them
with our compliments."
9. "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of
your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed
evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or
spouses."
10. "Last one off the plane must clean it."
11. From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased
to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry...
Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!
12. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo,
Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final
approach, the Captain was really having to fight it After an
extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and
announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please
remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain
taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
13. Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect
landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain
Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
14. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he
had hammered his ship into the runway really hard.
The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at
the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a
"Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad
landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye,
thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally,
everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a
cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I as you a question?" "Why no,
Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we
land or were we shot down?"
15. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight
Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please
remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have
brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And,
once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are
silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the
wreckage to the terminal."
16. Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd
like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time
you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a
pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US
Airways."

A Blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the Blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the Blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The Blonde replied, "Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?"

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West
to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too
tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice
hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then
get back on the road.
When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the manager.
The manager listens to the man and then explains the hotel has an
Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for
the husband and wife to use. He also explains they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," explains the manager.
No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"
The manager is unmoved and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the manager. The manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $100."
"That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife."
"But I didn't!" exclaims the manager.
"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could
have...."

On a business trip to the Orient, Joe decided to spend his last
night having wild sex with a Geisha Girl. Upon returning home three
weeks later, he noticed a very weird green, festering sore growing
on his manhood.
He went to the doctor, Dr. Jones, who, after hearing of his
Orient trip and extracurricular activities, told him he had Hong
Kong Dong and the only cure was complete amputation. Joe was
horrified, and decided to get a second opinion.
Joe contacted Dr. Smith and showed him the green growth. Dr
Smith said, "I am sorry but Dr. Jones is correct. We must amputate
right away."
Joe could not accept this. His friend suggested that he visit
an oriental doctor. They must deal with this all the time. He
went to Dr. Chu Wong.
Dr. Wong agreed with the diagnosis of Hong Kong Dong, but said
"These Amellican doctors - so quick to Chop Chop Chop. Amuptation
not necesally."
Joe was relieved. Dr. Wong said "You wait three weeks and it
fall off on its own."

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an
electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic
navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and
haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and
course to steer to the airport.
The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a
handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The
pilot's sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the
tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large
sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE
IN A HELICOPTER."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course
to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on
the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A
HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position.
The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building
because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically
correct but completely useless answer".

You know you've been in (German speaking) Switzerland too long when...
...you think getting up early is good.
...you actually get interested in the local elections.
...you expect the shop clerk to say goodbye after you purchase something...
...you try to defend cartel based economics to a visitor.
...you think that plaid jackets with flowery ties don't look that bad.
...you think it's fair that you can only wash clothes once a month.
...you wonder why anyone would want to shop outside of working hours.
...you think it's OK to drive slow on Sundays.
...you feel like you're broke if you have less than SFr. 300 in your
pocket.
...you dress up to go grocery shopping.
...you understand why Chinese food should cost more than normal food...
...you prefer Swiss wine.
...you wish that your town had expensive garbage bags too.
...you think it's OK for a Chinese restaurant to be run by a Swiss and
staffed by Spaniards and Portugese.
...you start thinking, 'Why can't they just speak Schwiizerduetsch?'
...your German is better than the waiter's.
...you start preparing costumes for Fasnacht.
...you think Thursday night shopping is really convenient.
...you think that large American cars are 'cool'.
...you think it's cool to drink expensive imported American beers.
...you prefer fizzy mineral water to tap water.
...you throw a party and expect everyone to leave by 11:30 pm.
...you clean up during parties.
...you expect dinner guests to help with the washing up.
...you begin to understand the subtlity of the Swiss cusine.
...you appreciate the differences between the cantons.
...you feel really hungry if you don't start eating lunch by 12:00.
...you don't mind paying SFr.12 for a paperback book.
...you think that PTT approved telephones are better.
...you buy a new one instead of getting it repaired.
...you think that 3% unemployment is high.
...you think it was through its own efforts that Switzerland stayed out of
World War II.
...you complain to your neighbor about the noise when he flushes his
toilet after 10 pm.
...you become interested in the myriad of insurance offerings.
...you take part in Jass tournaments.
...you get interested in Schwingen.
...you volunteer to help organize the Dorffest.
...you expect to be delayed by road works.
...you become concerned about the color of your neighbor's curtains.
...you put Aromat on all your food.
...you worry about getting a cold when there's a draft.
...you become offended when reading this.

CONDOM SERVICE PACKS
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They
happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son....
Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see." replied the boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that
in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks,
"Why are there 3 in this package."
The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday,
one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks "Then who are
these for?"
"Those are for college men." the dad answers, "TWO for Friday,
TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy; "Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking
up a 12 pack.
With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for
January, one for February, one for March........"

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided
I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency, she was a drama queen, cried all the time
and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was
totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so
dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.
She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything.
She did mad impetuous things and flirted with everyone she met.
She made me miserable as often as happy.
She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless.
So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted
firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she
divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am now 40 and am looking for a girl with very big tits.

A female computer consultant was helping a male to
set up his computer and asked him what word he would
like to use as a password to log in with.
Wanting to embarrass the female he told her to enter PENIS. Without
blinking or saying a word she entered the password.....
She then almost died laughing at the computer's response:
***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***

Are you a B.I.T.C.H?
Three guys, a lady and myself were sitting at the bar talking about
our professions.
The first guy says: I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know....
Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful; Intelligent; Ecologist?
The second guy says: I'm a D.I.N.K, you know....
Double Income, No Kids.
The third guy says: I'm a R.U.B., you know...
Rich, Urban, Biker.
They turn to the woman and ask her, ?What are you??
She replies: I'm a WIFE, you know,
Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc.?
Then, they suddenly look at me and immediately I said...
I'm a BITCH!
What does a Bitch means?
B - BABE
I - IN
T - TOTAL
C - CONTROL of
H - HERSELF
So ladies, next time somebody calls you a BITCH........
SMILE...........And say Thank You!!!!!!!!

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond
female neighbour came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.
She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house.
A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mail box
and again opened it, and slammed it shut again.
Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again,
marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than
ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"
To which she replied "There certainly is!"
(are you ready?) ... this is a beauty ....
My stupid computer keeps saying "YOU'VE GOT MAIL"

A girl walks into a supermarket and buys the following:
--------------------
1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 tube of toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 single serving of cereal
1 single frozen dinner
The checkout guy looks at her, smiles, and says, "Single,huh?"
The girl smiles sheepishly and replies, "How'd you guess?"
He says, "Because you're ugly."

 
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